EDsel and GretAL
by DarkBlysse
Summary: Hansel and Gretal, starring Edward and Alphonse.


**Title:** EDsel and GretAL.  
**Author:** DarkBlysse  
**Word Count:** 1769  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Characters:** Alphonse, Edward, Roy, Gluttony  
**Summary:** Hansel and Gretal, Elric style. ^_~  
**Warnings:** Crack, some minor groping

_**A/N:**_ Seriously, this thing's got more crack than at a plumbers' convention (lol, thanks for the line, Spandy! xD)!! I've actually been meaning to write this for quite a while now, so this prompt was the kick in the arse I needed to get going on it. XD I make no apologies for brain-breakage or hernias caused by laughter. XD;

~~~;~;~;~;~;~;~;~~~

"There's not enough food for all three of us," Roy said sternly, frowning at Alphonse. "Hell, there's not enough food for _just_ Edward. He has to go!"

"But Ro--"

"No 'but's, Al," Roy said, cutting him off with a glare. "You're not made of armor anymore, you have to eat, too. Edward's gotta go."

Alphonse sighed, pursing his lips slightly but not saying a word in reply. Roy was right...

~~~;~;~;~;~;~;~;~~~

"Where're we going?" Ed asked, looking bored as he leaned against the window of the car, absently watching trees flash by through the glass. "I hope it's to get lunch, I'm starving," he grumbled as his stomach let out a loud growl.

Roy's brow twitched slightly and Alphonse gnawed nervously on his lip, though neither said a word in reply. Which Edward, of course, took as a resounding 'yes', since they hadn't said no.

After a short while longer, Roy pulled the car up to the edge of the forest, looking back at Al, then at Edward.

"Ed... get out of the car," he said, holding in a sigh.

"Huh... ?" Ed said, blinking at Roy a few times, head tilted curiously. This didn't look like anywhere to have lunch. There wasn't so much as a hint of civilization in sight. Unless... "Are we having a picnic?" he asked, expression brightening slightly.

Roy let out a shuddering groan in reply, hand raising to cover his face before dragging downwards, as if hoping to wipe his vision clear of the short, annoying blonde in the back seat of his car.

"It's not a picnic, Edward..." Roy finally said, voice tense as he tried not to snap at the single-minded teen. "You're eating me out of house and home, Ed--I'm kicking you out. Now get out of the car."

Edward just stared at Roy for a few moments before shaking his head, a determined look on his face.

"Hell, no!" he said, almost sulking in his seat in an attempt to show Roy that he wasn't going anywhere.

"Look, Ed... I don't know how someone your size can eat so much... but I can't--"

"WHO ARE YOU SAYING HAS TO EAT LIKE A PIG JUST TO BE THE SIZE OF A SMALL CHILD??!" Ed shouted, eyes flashing dangerously.

Roy and Alphonse both swallowed thickly, the younger Elric letting out a fearful whimper and instantly grabbing at Ed's shirt sleeve and yanking him across the back seat with one hand while the other struggled to pop open the car door. As soon as he had the door open, he pulled Ed over more, dragging him over his lap and trying to force him out the door. But (much like a cat in a cartoon that doesn't want to be thrown into the bathtub) Ed's hands were planted firmly at the edges of the car door as he grunted with the effort of holding himself in place.

Alphonse let out a frustrated groan, pushing hard and trying to force him out the door, but it was just no use. With his automail, Ed would never let go. Roy turned around and rolled his eyes at Al; honestly, the boy was an idiot sometimes. Then again... he might have been a little disturbed if Al _had_ thought to do this...

Reaching back, Roy firmly grasped Edward's ass, giving a rough squeeze and luring out a loud, startled cry from the angry blonde. In his surprise, Ed let go of the car door, instantly falling out and landing in the dirt. Alphonse, too, was pulled from the car as Ed's leg hooked around his waist and he yelped loudly, trying to scramble to his feet and get back into the car. But before he could even gather his bearings, he heard the unmistakable sound of the metal door slamming shut, just sitting up in time to see Roy drive off.

"Brother!" Alphonse said, looking horrified that he'd been dumped out here in the woods with Ed, when he should have been in the car with Roy.

Al's face quickly took on an annoyed expression as he looked over at Edward, who was sitting next to him, rubbing at the back of his neck and smiling sheepishly at him. That was the extent of Ed's 'apology', though, as he reached into his coat pocket, pulling out a small bag of hard candies and smiling as he opened it and popped one into his mouth.

Al clicked his tongue, letting out a disbelieving noise. Even at a time like this, when they'd been dumped in the middle of nowhere... all Ed could seem to think about was food. Al all but growled as he reached over and snatched the bag from his brother, going to throw it into the road where some unfortunate animal might find them and die of a massive sugar rush. But then he paused, tilting his head as he looked at the candies.

"Hey, give those back, Al!" Ed whined, looking nothing short of the young child he was acting like as he pouted and sulked. "I'm hungry, damnit!"

The steely glare that Al shot at Edward was more than enough to silence him, and he sunk back into himself slightly. Ed was more than aware of what Alphonse was like, on the few occasions when he would actually manage to get angry. And this seemed like it might turn out to be one of those times if he wasn't careful.

"Get up," Al sighed, standing and reaching out his free hand for Ed to take. Edward clasped his hands around Al's wrist, hoisting himself up and brushing the dust off of his coat, muttering something about dirt roads having to be too damned dirty. "Come on, let's get going."

"Going?" Ed asked, almost snorting. "Where, Al? There's trees, that's it. Lots and lots of fucking trees..."

"There's got to be something else, eventually," Alphonse said with a shrug, starting to walk off, just picking a random direction and heading that way. Since they were pretty much lost, any direction was as good as the next, right? Ed shouted, then ran to quickly catch up with his brother, not daring to argue with him after getting him into this situation.

Looking down at the bag of candies in his hand, Al let out a thoughtful hum before his eyes brightened a little. He started dropping them every few feet as they walked along, using them to mark their path so that they could find their way back to the road later.

~~~;~;~;~;~;~;~;~~~

Alphonse paused in his steps when he heard... _chewing_ behind him?

"What th--_Brother_!" he shouted, grabbing the hood of Ed's coat and yanking him upright, just as he picked up one of the small, colorful candies from the ground. "Have you been eating all of those?"

Ed paused, just as his hand was at his open mouth, about to toss the candy in. A nervous grin spread over his face and he gave a slight nod, only noticeable as his antenna twitched slightly.

"Ed, how are we going to get back to the roa--"

"Holy Hell!" Ed cried out, eyes bugging out of his head as he looked at something ahead of them in the woods. He blinked a few times, hardly believing what he saw. Had Al suddenly hit him in the head and killed him? Because this was surely heaven.

With almost inhuman strength, Ed tore himself from his brother's grasp and bolted off. Al let out a surprised yell, eyes following Ed. His jaw fell open, hanging slack as he saw a huge house made out of...

"_Gingerbread_?!"

Getting to his feet, Alphonse quickly darted after Ed, clicking his tongue in disgust as Ed tore a piece of siding off the house and started eating it with a gleeful look on his face.

"Ed, are you sure you should just be eating some random... house out in the woods? I'm pretty sure it belongs to someone..." Al said, looking around warily and hoping that the owner of the house wasn't home.

"Oh my God!" Ed squealed, sounding just like... well, a kid in a candy store, if one were to be blunt about it. Al turned back to look at him, tilting his head. "It even regenerates!" he said, unable to stop grinning as he snapped off another piece of gingerbread, watching as a new piece quickly grew back to take its place.

"Well, then... that can't be too bad, if we're not destroying the house..." Al mumbled.

Figuring that Ed was all right on his own, Al wandered off a bit, going to the other side of the house. Along one of the windows was a flower box with multicolored lollipops growing out of the 'dirt' (which looked like it might just be made up of crumbled cookies) and Alphonse couldn't resist, and ended up taking a red one and sucking happily on it.

Suddenly, he heard a loud scream right behind himself and snapped his head around, spitting out the sucker and flattening himself against the wall as Edward pulled his transmuted automail arm from the chest of some fat... _thing_ that now laid on the ground at his feet.

"WhattheHellwasthat!?" Al breathed out all at once, voice shaking and squeaking as he stared at the huge teeth that were in the creature's mouth.

"Hell if I know," Ed said, giving a shrug before transmuting his hand back to normal, flexing it a few times. "But he was after the only Lifesavers™ on the entire house! I love these fucking things!" he said, reaching behind Al and plucking one off of the frosting-laden wall.

Alphonse looked down, poking at the fat creature before shuddering. The damned thing looked furious, as if it had wanted to kill him, not get to some damned candy.

"Ed, I think... _it_ owned the house..."

"You know what that means, right, Al?" Ed asked, his stupid smile returning again as he looked from Al to the dead body at his feet and back up to Al once more.

"No... What... ?" Al asked apprehensively.

"It means we get a candy house!" Ed said triumphantly as he took another Lifesaver™ off the wall, sucking on it happily. Suddenly, he froze, then burst out laughing hysterically.

"B-Brother... ?"

"I just realized..." Ed said, trying to hold in his giggles for a few moments so he could speak. "These things really _are_ Lifesavers™, if that thing was trying to kill you..."

The palm of Al's hand met his face with a loud slap as he groaned and leaned back against their new house.


End file.
